In between

An angel with 4 paws for Christmas

I hope everyone is enjoying their Christmas / winter holidays! I hoped for snow till the last minute, but no such luck so far. We are having a black Christmas with lots of rain. It’s only snowing up in North and in the mountains .

This year we’ve decided to skip all festivities and spend a peaceful Eve just the two of us. Earlier in the morning we got the tree up and went out shopping. It was incredibly relaxing to spend the 24th of December just breathing , while other people were panicking about their last minute preparations.

We managed to complete all of our tasks a day before , I never had a free 24th of December until this year. I was always struggling with cooking and all untill the time arrived for dinner and guest were approaching our door. My family has lots of traditions when it comes to Christmas. As much as I love our Christmas traditions – they bring much exhaustion and kill the joy of this holiday. I just felt the need to say “no” to everything this year.

We decided to go to a ski resort for Christmas Eve. We had dinner at our place and then went out for a walk and some fresh air before we drove to the resort. While we were walking a stray dog followed us everywhere – and I mean everywhere!

The poor soul was terrorized by the firecrackers and drunken people. We didn’t had the heart to leave him alone so we decided to spend the rest of the night outside and offer him some comfort.

Like food. But he was so afraid of the loud noises that he barely ate anything. He was looking for shelter and begging not to be left alone. He jumped numerous times in my husband’s arms each time we tried to retreat and let him be.

My heart broke into million pieces because I don’t know what to do with this dog! I cannot even foster him, I don’t have the place or the time ; our visit home is short and work awaits as soon as the holidays are over!

Our four paws angel left as soon as things settled down and the morning arrived. So I guess we will do some skiing over day and return back at night to look after this dog. I’ve been burning my brain thinking of a solution, a place where I can take this dog , at least until all this Christmas/New Years madness ends!

In between

Taking risks

Have you ever came across a point in your life when you just wanted to make a big jump into the unknown? It happens to the best of us, like myself. I’m the kind of person who thinks 10 times- 20, if necessary – before making a final decision or before words are leaving my mouth . And even then I have doubts – that I should have thought about it a bit better. But for the last half a year I felt the need to just jump and see where I end. I don’t know what possessed me to just take a big risk for once and see what happens. Maybe I’m just driven by passion . Or maybe craziness do come with age. Or maybe fatigue caught up with me and I started to become numb and care less about the aftermath.

Sure, I continue to learn for the last 3 years or so , but I’m definitely not knowing everything about the domain that I decided to follow! I am perfectly capable of doing it manually, but on a mechanical level? Everything is computerized and is supposed to lower my working effort and give me some free time. but at this point it is only dragging me down and proved that once again I have a long road ahead of me.

It’s been a little over a year since I started to play with a project and in half a year it kind of got out of control and things expanded pretty fast. I’ve never expected to bring one of my passions to this level and I never expected to have so many people interested in my little hobby!

Husband was the only one who knew about it and the first to push me outside my comfort zone, as always. So I jumped. Do I regret it? No, I don’t regret for making the decision to bring this project to the next level , but I’m freaked out for my inability to assimilate all the information faster. Two weeks ago a small fortune was invested in these machines , that were supposed to make my days less miserable , and I can’t seem to be able to figure them out,

Only God knows how many hours I’ve been working, sometimes 24, sometimes over 30 without any sleep, educating myself, practicing, failing and re-starting all over again. A lot of sacrifices were made while I was slowly climbing the success ladder, mainly my health. I just can’t find the middle path, I’m always at the extremes . So what else did I managed to accomplish in this a little over a year? Somehow I managed to gain it’s trust and in the end became best friends with Insomnia. And Insomnia , being a bubbly and hyperactive friend, forced me to work for hours and sleep 3-4 hours per 24 for this entire year.

And of course, as it happens in real life, this best friend of yours also has a best friend, who isn’t necessary you – panic attacks! Oh, how bad things can turn for me when I’m sleep deprived for multiple nights in a row! I haven’t had them in few good years until I ruined my sleeping schedule. And here I am, face to face with my nemesis!

Panic attacks , disguised as something else, forced me to make a few nocturnal trips to the emergency room. And each time I was reassured that I’m not about to die, it is just in my head and I just need to rest. But how can I lay down and close my eyes when each time I was breathless and felt so much pain in my chest, knowing that my heart isn’t necessary working as it should be? At the emergency room I was told that I have intercostal neuralgia and that is what is setting up my panics . And of course the emergency room wasn’t enough so one morning I was desperately seeking to see a cardiologist . This was about 4 months ago. The cardiologist , before I even had my results, gave me the diagnostic that I’m into chronic fatigue and need to slow down. She was right. At least I know that my heart is keeping up with the effort and it isn’t failing me.

Seems like I have a damaged nerve in my spine because of the bad working posture. The lack of sleep and fatigue only adds pressure on it, which causes my neuralgia, which sets up my panic attacks, thinking that my heart is trying to shut me down. The panics makes me hyperventilate, which causes the muscles to contract , therefor my neuralgia pains gets worse and so does my panics. Now that I know what’s going on with me from a medical point of view it is much easier to communicate with my enemy . At least I got rid of the question that was killing me every night ” what’s going to be this time? A heart attack or a brain stroke?”. The answer is “none”. Just the panic attack having a party and waltzing with my damaged spine nerve ,on my self dug grave . I still receive a slap in the face now and then when I get frustrated and upset-my nemesis keeps reminding me of it’s presence , quietly watching me from the shadows.

For the last 2 weeks I’ve been trying to fix my sleeping problems. I’m in bed at 10 PM and I try not to find any excuses to stay awake past my bed time. My damaged spine nerve is causing me headaches in the back of my head each time I lay down and falling asleep is impossible most of the time. The pain stops and my head is clear as soon as I lift it up from the pillow. And of course my intercostal neuralgia is bothering me too in some nights. I’m pretty much learning how to sleep , what position to approach in order to keep my spine aligned correctly. Since a week ago I also started to practice stretching in the morning and especially before bed. The good news is that I fell better and the pain is bearable, enough so I can sleep over the entire night. The bad news is that I feel like I’m loosing my time with my new routine…I should be more productive. That’s how I function . The only reason why I force myself to make things right for my own good is, of course, my husband, who tries to put an end to my self destruction every time I’m off the tracks.

When I work, I work and I completely lose myself, especially if I love what I’m doing. From starving for days to not sleeping and staying locked in my working room for a long period of time. ” Slow down. Breathe. I’m here.” are the words that bring me to reality. I am so grateful for you, my love!

So did 2019 taught me something? Yes! Hard work makes good progress! The moment I feel a bit better I forget all the other lessons. I know I’m setting up a bad example here, but I’m sure that wise people understood and learned from this post what I keep forgetting. I will not disclose the project for now, if everything goes well it will be ready to run from next year. It all depends on me, really, and my ability to learn and work – and that’s driving me nuts. But at the same time I’m well aware that for now things need to slow down and I need to focus on my well being until next year. What I did realized is that this can’t continue as a one woman show, so from next year I will partner up with different people that will help me do the work faster. Often I bite more than I can chew.

Meanwhile, this kitty lives in our neighborhood and often greets me when I leave home early in the morning. I’m pretty sure she belongs to someone. She is clean, fat and looks as if she is being taken care of. I just had to include this picture in one of the posts.

In between

It’s already chaotic

Yesterday I went to visit my parents and spend a lovely afternoon in the garden , after a pretty chaotic morning . In a few weeks I’ll be gone again. So from the little time that I have I try to split it between everyone . I have missed my pets so much! Here you have my kitty , enjoying the last sunny days of autumn and my old buddy – my 17 years old buddy! Mom baked a pie and we had lunch in the garden under an old golden nut tree. My, God! You just have to love autumn!

After that I got back to work until almost midnight . I was planning to work until the morning but I remembered that I had to wake up early today . I had to drive all the way to my in-laws and take my mom-in-law to the hospital for a routine check. The doctor was pleased , her leg seems to be healing very good after the surgery. As a side note , remember to always go to the emergency room in time – especially when rusty nails are involved! Infections are never fun to deal with! Thank God that at least one of us was home and was able to assist her! We only wished that she had called sooner and not try to “take care” of the wound by herself. On a good note if she continues to behave she will be getting rid of the crutches by Friday.

Husband and I planned to get new phones this Christmas ; it seems that Christmas got a little earlier for me as mine collapsed first , this morning. I was so close to not wake up and get in time to my in-laws! For the past few months we only had issues with both of our phones and it was just a matter of time.

Seems like my mobile phone network provider just got new policies and they don’t sell phones without a subscription anymore. I’m already subscribed to them , my number belongs to their network and I pay monthly for it, but seems like I had to pay an extra monthly fee for the subscription (?) because I’m not eligible yet for a new phone (whatever that means ? ). I already picked up the phone that I wanted and was standing there , cash in hand, puzzled and not convinced that I heard her right . My phone was slowly dying , battery almost gone (was not able to charge it for two days) and an angry husband yelling obscenities back at the assistant – in my bluetooth earphone. So again I had to drive to the nearest gadget store to buy my new phone.

I don’t know what feelings other people get when upgrading but I absolutely hate switching gears! Reason why I buy new phones only when my old one completely breaks. I’m somewhat emotionally attached to it, feels like letting go to a part of me . Every time I get a new phone I behave with it as if it is an intruder ; I completely ignore it until it rings . Same goes with a new PC / laptop . As I’m writing this post I’m still trying to bring my old phone to life by keeping it plugged in – maybe it will charge in the end, who knows? You just don’t bury someone until you are absolutely sure that that person is dead for good. And for this absolute reason I can count on one hand all the phones that I had in my entire life – so far.

In between

Writing is the answer

For me writing seems to be the answer to everything. It helps clear out my mind and sort out my feelings. I’m already writing an ongoing journal for the past 10 years or so. I like my privacy and I never considered to write for an audience – I do it strictly for myself and for my own benefit -reason why I write on LiveJournal for so many years. I really love the option of writing my posts public, friends only or private. Some of the posts are friends only and I have a hand full of close people that are able to read them ; but most of them are private, of course.

Now that I was somehow convinced to write a public blog , I believe that there are beautiful experiences that I can share with an audience. There are also many subjects that I can write about and some people might find them useful – or so I was told. Even if I write about beautiful experiences I do it from a very personal point and I feel like keeping them for myself only and not share with everyone…I do not know why but this is how I function. So every post that I write here it will be made with a lot of effort . But yet again writing things down is very important to be, it has become like a coping mechanism. I’ve been writing since an early age , I own every single diary and every single notebook that I ever wrote.