In between

Taking risks

Have you ever came across a point in your life when you just wanted to make a big jump into the unknown? It happens to the best of us, like myself. I’m the kind of person who thinks 10 times- 20, if necessary – before making a final decision or before words are leaving my mouth . And even then I have doubts – that I should have thought about it a bit better. But for the last half a year I felt the need to just jump and see where I end. I don’t know what possessed me to just take a big risk for once and see what happens. Maybe I’m just driven by passion . Or maybe craziness do come with age. Or maybe fatigue caught up with me and I started to become numb and care less about the aftermath.

Sure, I continue to learn for the last 3 years or so , but I’m definitely not knowing everything about the domain that I decided to follow! I am perfectly capable of doing it manually, but on a mechanical level? Everything is computerized and is supposed to lower my working effort and give me some free time. but at this point it is only dragging me down and proved that once again I have a long road ahead of me.

It’s been a little over a year since I started to play with a project and in half a year it kind of got out of control and things expanded pretty fast. I’ve never expected to bring one of my passions to this level and I never expected to have so many people interested in my little hobby!

Husband was the only one who knew about it and the first to push me outside my comfort zone, as always. So I jumped. Do I regret it? No, I don’t regret for making the decision to bring this project to the next level , but I’m freaked out for my inability to assimilate all the information faster. Two weeks ago a small fortune was invested in these machines , that were supposed to make my days less miserable , and I can’t seem to be able to figure them out,

Only God knows how many hours I’ve been working, sometimes 24, sometimes over 30 without any sleep, educating myself, practicing, failing and re-starting all over again. A lot of sacrifices were made while I was slowly climbing the success ladder, mainly my health. I just can’t find the middle path, I’m always at the extremes . So what else did I managed to accomplish in this a little over a year? Somehow I managed to gain it’s trust and in the end became best friends with Insomnia. And Insomnia , being a bubbly and hyperactive friend, forced me to work for hours and sleep 3-4 hours per 24 for this entire year.

And of course, as it happens in real life, this best friend of yours also has a best friend, who isn’t necessary you – panic attacks! Oh, how bad things can turn for me when I’m sleep deprived for multiple nights in a row! I haven’t had them in few good years until I ruined my sleeping schedule. And here I am, face to face with my nemesis!

Panic attacks , disguised as something else, forced me to make a few nocturnal trips to the emergency room. And each time I was reassured that I’m not about to die, it is just in my head and I just need to rest. But how can I lay down and close my eyes when each time I was breathless and felt so much pain in my chest, knowing that my heart isn’t necessary working as it should be? At the emergency room I was told that I have intercostal neuralgia and that is what is setting up my panics . And of course the emergency room wasn’t enough so one morning I was desperately seeking to see a cardiologist . This was about 4 months ago. The cardiologist , before I even had my results, gave me the diagnostic that I’m into chronic fatigue and need to slow down. She was right. At least I know that my heart is keeping up with the effort and it isn’t failing me.

Seems like I have a damaged nerve in my spine because of the bad working posture. The lack of sleep and fatigue only adds pressure on it, which causes my neuralgia, which sets up my panic attacks, thinking that my heart is trying to shut me down. The panics makes me hyperventilate, which causes the muscles to contract , therefor my neuralgia pains gets worse and so does my panics. Now that I know what’s going on with me from a medical point of view it is much easier to communicate with my enemy . At least I got rid of the question that was killing me every night ” what’s going to be this time? A heart attack or a brain stroke?”. The answer is “none”. Just the panic attack having a party and waltzing with my damaged spine nerve ,on my self dug grave . I still receive a slap in the face now and then when I get frustrated and upset-my nemesis keeps reminding me of it’s presence , quietly watching me from the shadows.

For the last 2 weeks I’ve been trying to fix my sleeping problems. I’m in bed at 10 PM and I try not to find any excuses to stay awake past my bed time. My damaged spine nerve is causing me headaches in the back of my head each time I lay down and falling asleep is impossible most of the time. The pain stops and my head is clear as soon as I lift it up from the pillow. And of course my intercostal neuralgia is bothering me too in some nights. I’m pretty much learning how to sleep , what position to approach in order to keep my spine aligned correctly. Since a week ago I also started to practice stretching in the morning and especially before bed. The good news is that I fell better and the pain is bearable, enough so I can sleep over the entire night. The bad news is that I feel like I’m loosing my time with my new routine…I should be more productive. That’s how I function . The only reason why I force myself to make things right for my own good is, of course, my husband, who tries to put an end to my self destruction every time I’m off the tracks.

When I work, I work and I completely lose myself, especially if I love what I’m doing. From starving for days to not sleeping and staying locked in my working room for a long period of time. ” Slow down. Breathe. I’m here.” are the words that bring me to reality. I am so grateful for you, my love!

So did 2019 taught me something? Yes! Hard work makes good progress! The moment I feel a bit better I forget all the other lessons. I know I’m setting up a bad example here, but I’m sure that wise people understood and learned from this post what I keep forgetting. I will not disclose the project for now, if everything goes well it will be ready to run from next year. It all depends on me, really, and my ability to learn and work – and that’s driving me nuts. But at the same time I’m well aware that for now things need to slow down and I need to focus on my well being until next year. What I did realized is that this can’t continue as a one woman show, so from next year I will partner up with different people that will help me do the work faster. Often I bite more than I can chew.

Meanwhile, this kitty lives in our neighborhood and often greets me when I leave home early in the morning. I’m pretty sure she belongs to someone. She is clean, fat and looks as if she is being taken care of. I just had to include this picture in one of the posts.

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